Written January 6th
For a long time, I’ve been hesitant to obtain heavy items: anything that takes more strength to carry than I can on my own. The fear is about the labor and permanency of transporting that item now and later, juxtaposed with the impermanency of my life.
I’ve moved a lot in my adult life. More than the average person, but less than someone who switched schools often as a child. I went to the same elementary, middle and high school throughout all of the grueling required years, but as an adult I’ve had many addresses. I’ve stopped counting, much like my body count. It doesn’t matter anymore, it only matters that there have been so many unsatisfying experiences that I can’t stand to think about it anymore and I’m ruthlessly discriminatory about what the next experience is going to be (as with my body count). If it’s good, it’s lasting. If not, I’m out of there before the lease is up.
But only now, I have to have a plan.
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Winging a wedding
This weekend, I considered winging attending a wedding that is happening today at 2pm. I was casually invited and never got the formal invite or the pertinent information that I needed to go, but, was told by my the bride, a long time friend, how much my presence would be appreciated. I am inflight to my hometown, a city about 2 hours away.
Was I being lackadaiscal and half assed by not being fully committed to attending? The thought of questioning how little information I had before it could be immensely useful left me wondering, do I expect too much from people? But in terms of a wedding I thought for a few hours during descent and deplaning: What kind of friend am I if I don’t go out of my way to attend?
My adulthood has been so free of people making permenent commitments to each other in holy matrimony, that I didn’t even know you couldn’t or wouldn’t wing a wedding. Through outside social cues, I had picked up that this event was something I should take seriously, but had I been left on my own to figure it out. I realize that I can be quite flippant about life events that people take seriously. I’ve had to train myself to care.
So I figure that I can just figure it out along the way. Do it last minute. Make going to this wedding one of those kinds of things, as a moment of allowing some chaos into my life. But I have enough of that as it is, even though it feels a bit normal, so, I decided ultimately not to go. It was the right decision for me, and there’s a deeper reason for this.
Not only is the weather terrible, but even worse for driving long distances, but I don’t know anyone who actually respects their husband. It has let me lose faith in the prospect of marriage.
All of the women I know have spoken to and about their partners in shocking ways that leave me wondering how and why they are even with them.
Someone to do life with?
I think I think need to think twice about asking God for someone I can “do life” with. Because it seems as though my friends, wether they respect the person they’re with or not, this is the primary reason for this person being in their life. For them to simply do life with them. It doesn’t seem like enough for me.
Part of me refuses to believe that a someone will ONLY respect you and want to marry you if you treat them and talk to them like shit, disregard, dismiss, criticize, embarass and comically embarrass them, but I am losing hope.
I’m no angel
I’ve always felt men respect me more when I’m mean, but I don’t want to be that person (all the time).
Where are the healthy relationships?
Where are the mutually respecful individuals who don’t use their partners as a means to an end?
Why is everyone married I know seem to have so much contempt and disgust for their partners?
Is it a reflection of how they feel about themselves? Did they choose someone who would be a vessel for abuse because they’re afraid of real intimacy? Is it just the pickins are slim?
Are these relationships just a mirror reflection of what I saw growing up between my own parents, so my psyche can’t think of anything else possible?
And if this the way real relationships actually are behind the veil….is this what I want? Or would I be happier being single?
My real life (unpartnered) .
I’m very happy, in general, in my life right now. I have so much more of what I want than what I don’t. I’m working on making more money, having less domestic responsibilities (cooking, cleaning) and building a team that I can outsource other things in which I am not an expert in (or don’t feel like doing).
MY life is so much closer to the vision that I’ve had for it when I was younger and allowing downloads in without knowing.
I call it my REAL life.
But I’ve always pictured a partner. And I didn’t see emotional and verbal abuse, disgust, and contempt in those visions.
Not even any of my own 2 year max relationships have reflected the health that I say I want. Maybe this starts with me. How do I meet the people who share my vision?
At this point, it’s hard to believe that I am going to find this.
Maybe a “serious relationship” is just another heavy item that I don’t want the responsbility of dealing with, once I am done enjoying its novelty. Because I’ve never not been done. And I don’t know what it feels like to keep going.
:)
An excellent, well-written piece. The intro really sets the tone for the whole piece quite expertly. The polarity of being a free woman who has lived many places and contemplating the notion of being partnered with someone is fascinating. This piece really put in perspective the idea and, sadly, the reality of many couples, married or otherwise, being unhappy or emphasizing their unhappiness with the relationship outwardly to the world, normalizing the ideal that all relationships are inherently difficult and pain should be expected. Thank you for putting this out there.
Great post full of insight and self-reflection.
"Is it a reflection of how they feel about themselves? Did they choose someone who would be a vessel for abuse because they’re afraid of real intimacy?" -- Very valid questions that I cannot answer.
"Maybe this starts with me." -- I love you taking command and realizing that you are in control of your destiny. Your future does not have to reflect the realities of the people around you. You can see the flaws and work on improving your situation and your mindset so that you are in a better situation than the people in relationships that you see around you. Most of what I learned about relationships was from books or from the errors of the people around me. I haven't really had a positive relationship model.
(Maybe my grandparents, but I didn't know too much about the inner workings of their relationship as I was a child when they were alive and I can't really remember anything but bits and pieces about it. I know my grandpa sang to her sometimes and I thought that was sweet).